OLDER MEN, MAKE GREAT LOVE AGAIN!

I’m writing this post because sex at its best can be the physical manifestation of love and is therefore important to a couple’s pleasure and the strengthening of their pair-bond.  In addition, great sex can overcome many hard feelings, resentments, and misunderstandings that inevitably arise in a relationship/marriage.  There’s nothing as wonderful as making love with someone you love.  As one ages and the body slows down and changes, making love becomes more challenging but potentially much more satisfying.

What makes me qualified to write on this subject?  I’ve read dozens of books, off and on, on sex, love, relationships, and marriage for 65 years, trying new things that I read about.  In addition, I have 55 years of experience with two marriages and a few girlfriends, and especially after having messed up my first marriage, have a keen desire to excel at making a woman feel loved.  Finally, about 20 years ago I found a fascinating little red book that told me something intriguing than I previously had not read much about.  That book, How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time, by Naura Hayden, described in detail how to physically tease a woman to turn her on, and satisfy her.  With the combination of my over a half-a-century of experience and reading, I consequently had the best sex I’ve ever had, although I was over 75 years-old at the time.

BODY

PREPARATION: If you’re not married and meet someone that you really like, get to know well and trust, and you both feel that you want to take your relationship to the next level, alcohol will lessen inhibitions as you get started, so a glass or two of wine is a good way to begin (too much alcohol, however, lowers libido).  A safe and private location, romantic music, candles in a darkened room, and you’re on the way to setting the mood.  If you’re married or not but over about 45-50 years-old, you probably will need either 50 or 100 mg of Viagra, (or the appropriate dosage of Levitra or Cialis), or their generic forms.   Viagra begins working in about an hour on a full stomach, 15 minutes on an empty stomach.  Women over 50 or 60 may need a lubricant to make intercourse possible/comfortable (google www.bettersex.com/catalog published by the Sinclair Institute to purchase lubricants that are compatible with sex toys).  Lubrication should be applied, as needed, to the penis, vibrator, dildo, etc.  If the woman is fertile, decide in advance the birth control you plan to use.  Coitus Interruptus, as well as the Rhythm Method are unreliable in preventing pregnancy.  If the woman is well past menopause (menopause is usually about age 52), of course there’s no need for birth control, though you still need to be concerned about the 30 Sexually-Transmitted- Diseases (STDs).  If you’re a man under about 30-40, you may need to use a condom to help dull the sensation and therefore help delay your orgasm (as well as prevent pregnancy).  In addition, a numbing cream spread on the penis will also help delay orgasm and therefore one can maintain an erection and lengthen the time that you’re pleasuring your partner.  Older men, because premature ejaculation usually is no longer a problem, should be able to maintain an erection, with Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis for as long as your partner wants to have coitus.

Testosterone is the hormone that stimulates sexual desire in both men and women, though women need much less of it.  As a man ages, however, some of his Testosterone is converted by his body into Estradiol, a form of Estrogen, which accounts for older men getting “man boobs” and a large gut.  Prescription Testosterone, in its many forms, can be very expensive.  A Compounding Pharmacy can make the cream form of it for about a tenth of the price.  In addition, there are over-the-counter supplements that stimulate the body to increase production of Testosterone.  The Life Extension Foundation (LEF.com) sells “Super Miraforte” which really works and has the added benefit of suppressing the conversion of Testosterone into Estradiol.  LEF also sells “Testosterone Elite” which significantly increases free Testosterone, which is especially important.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING THREE PARAGRAPHS ARE  SEXUALLY EXPLICIT

GETTING STARTED: We looked at making prior arrangements, now let’s consider technique.  First, it’s important to know that it takes a woman much longer than a man to get physically and emotionally aroused.  Young men take about 60 seconds, young women a minimum of 20 minutes of foreplay (kissing, petting, massage, sweet words, etc.).  Older folks take longer.  Start with kissing and necking and perhaps massage.  Then proceed to the biggest foreplay turn-on that most women enjoy, cunnilingus.  There is no taste or smell around the clitoris.  Meanwhile, also gently fondle and kiss your loved one’s breasts, teasing her by circling just outside the areolas.

 WHEN IT’S TIME: You know it’s time when your loved one is turned on if she asks you to get on with it it or her nipples get erect or her breathing gets heavy.  Now it’s time to go back to that little red book by Naura Hayden on how to satisfy a woman that I mentioned in the introduction to this article…you need to physically tease her.  If you decided on starting with the “Missionary” position, put the head of your penis at the entrance to your loved one’s vagina and slightly insert it and stay there while kissing her.  After awhile, insert your penis slowly  about a 1/4-1/2 inch, and then pull it mostly out.  Repeat again and again.  Then go in slowly about an inch and pull it mostly out.  Repeat again and again.  Then 1 1/2 inches, again and again. By this time your loved-one should be really encouraging you.  At some point, especially if she starts to orgasm, slowly go in all the way, but, as taken from another love book, do so in a pattern, so as to maximize her pleasure.  For example, on the first stroke, go in all of the way, then go in half the way on the second, third, and fourth strokes.  On the fifth, go in all of the way again.  Vary the pattern occasionally.  Continue until your loved one is satisfied.  From my experience, concentrate on brushing by her clitoris with your penis on every thrust.  If you’re under 25, you may not be able to last that long without ejaculating, which will consequently usually kill your erection. Not to worry, if she hasn’t had her orgasm yet, you can always satisfy her with cunnilingus (see Ian Kerner, Ph.D’s book, “She Comes First”).

KEEP THINGS INTERESTING: There are dozens of positions. each of which has its advantages and drawbacks.  For example, rear-entry requires a long penis (or a strap-on hollow penis).  Face-to face positions, like the “Cowgirl”, free up a man’s hands to fondle breasts and squeeze a woman’s “love handles,” her buttocks.  The book,  The Joy of Sex, depicts many sexual positionsIf you are more adventuresome,  Sinclair Institute sells a DVD that depicts couples demonstrating the basic positions.  It’s called “The Art of Sexual Positions.”

Lovemaking is so much fun that it’s hard to stop.  Let your loved one be your guide.  I prefer modified all-nighters: you make love, you go to sleep, you wake up (for whatever reason) and make love again.  You repeat all night until you’re both exhausted or it gets light out and the Viagra/Levitra/Cialis wears off.  Your girlfriend/wife knows that she’s been loved and you feel great having done the loving.  Of course, not every encounter will be a marathon…”quickies” have their place, as does showing your genuine affection by simply holding, hugging, squeezing and kissing.

CONCLUSION   

Making love and being in love is one of the greatest feelings in the world.  In this article I used only medical and scientific terms for body parts and techniques…you can always Google or use a dictionary for the terms you may not be familiar with.  I believe that two people in love is so wonderful that I felt compelled to write and contribute whatever I could to help maintain and enhance that love despite how the ravages of old age interfere.  Finally, let me leave you with his thought taken from one of my love books: “men need to be needed, women need to be cherished.”  Cherish your loved-one and make her feel loved, both emotionally and physically.

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PS: check out my article on this blog (www.MikeRussoExpose.com), entitled “Improving Communications in Relationships & Marriage” for gems of wisdom taken from a dozen love and relationship books.  That post aims to foster good communications by a couple, to not only heighten their love-life, but also to reduce the likelihood of eventual break-up/divorce.  One of my other articles on this blog, “Avoid Divorce,” should also  significantly assist you in avoiding divorce.

 

IMPROVE COMMUNICATIONS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

THE PROBLEM

I’ve been married twice and divorced twice.  The dissolution of my first marriage was especially tragic because, although we both loved each other dearly (though I unfortunately rarely told my wife), we were not able to get back together despite that, and our marital breakup almost destroyed me (and I’m sure was very hurtful to my wife).   My brain tumor was mostly responsible for my first divorce, but poor communications played a large role in both of my divorces.  It’s so very painful for both parties to go through divorce to the extent that I believe that its possibility today in the U.S. (50%) is a legitimate reason why some may not want to ever marry.

But marriage is important, especially if you want to have children; therefore, you want to minimize the chances of getting divorced.  What do you do to accomplish this?  What I did after my divorces was to research and study marriage and divorce to learn why people divorce, in an effort to avoid repeating the mistakes I made that led to my divorces.

THE SOLUTION

From numerous experts, but especially from the premier researcher on marriage, John Gottman, PhD, the most important skill to keeping a relationship or marriage healthy is for both partners to amicably resolve differences…in other words, negotiate or fight without metaphorically killing each other.  An easy-to-do measure from Dr. Gottman to help you determine if your marital/relationship communications are doing well is to frequently check to see if you’re having at least 5 positive interactions with your spouse/significant other for every negative one.  My first marriage tragically ended because my wife and I did not resolve our differences amicably.  Let’s look at what some of the other experts have to say….

In their book, The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage, by George Bach and Peter Wyden, the authors ask if anyone ever heard from a significant other, “you never talk to me, ” or “you never listen to me!”

Because I’ve  made so many painful mistakes in my first marriage which resulted in it lasting only ten months, I became highly-motivated to not repeat the same mistakes.  Therefore my second wife and I learned to communicate with each other and became intimate friends and lovers by attending 5 pre-marital and 30 post-marital counseling sessions with 5 other married couples.  Achieving game-free spontaneity and the consequent well-being that resulted was well worth the effort. The caring needed in a successful relationship is defined by Masters and Johnson in their book, “The Pleasure Bond“, as “paying attention, being concerned, solicitous and protective.”  Fortunately, I learned how to express my caring with my second wife and my second marriage therefore lasted 25 years.

An important concept in men-women communications comes from John Gray, PhD in his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”  Dr. Gray states that communication styles between the sexes are so different, that to truly understand each other, it’s very helpful to think of each sex as coming from different planets…and a recognition of those differences goes a long way in improving relations…basically because people don’t judge and treat each other with the caution and respect they otherwise would unless they thought the other was an alien.

The differences between the genders that make communications difficult are enumerated in Deborah Tannen’s book, You just Don’t Understand.  Dr. Tannen refers to “Report-Talk” (men) and “Rapport-talk” (women). She states, “For most women, conversation is a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships.  For most men, talk is primarily a means to preserve independence and is done by exhibiting knowledge and skill, and by holding center stage through verbal performance such as storytelling, joking or imparting information.

Psychologist and marriage counselor Barbara De Angelis continues this theme in a March-April 1992 “Special Report on Relationships” by stating that:

Women and men are from two different planets; we speak two different languages, it’s so essential to learn about their differences.  I know that men are solution-oriented in their conversation, so if I’m complaining about my day, I will add, “I don’t really need a solution, honey, I just want you to hold me.”  If I don’t, he may start giving me solutions, and I may get angry that he’s not being loving and attentive, and now we’re in a fight….”  Maggie Scarf, author of “Intimate Partners,” adds in that same article, that “when a woman brings up a problem, she wants to talk it over, to learn what it means.  A man hears a problem and wants to do something about it.  To most women, this is outrageous.  They feel that to do this (means) the discussion is over (and) is his way of saying, shut up.

The list of differences between men and women’s communication styles goes on and on.  Many of them are based on the fact that men and women have different psychological needs.  If each gender only understood those needs, both would be much happier.  From Diane Dunaway and John Kramer’s book, “Why Men don’t get Enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love,” it states that these different needs can be summed up by saying that “men need to be needed and women need to be cherished.”  In a 1985 article, columnist Ann Landers conducted a survey asking women if affection was more important than sex.  Seventy-two percent of the 100,000 respondents said that they would be content to “just be held close and to forget about the sex act.”  According to Dunaway and Kramer, “Men have sex in order to feel good, women have sex when they feel good.”  Male-Female communications and love, sex, and intimacy are all intricately related; you can’t talk about one without addressing the others.

In Ellen Kriedman’s book, Light Her Fire, Ms. Kriedman states that “while dating, a man usually has no problem talking, because he has a goal in mind.  He wants her to find him desirable , so he’s charming, witty, and pays a great deal of attention to what she’s saying.   He wants to discover what her needs are so that he can fulfill them.  As a result, he has a women who finds him irresistible.  Once this happens, and she’s his forever, he stops talking.  In his mind, there’s less need to talk and listen to her than there was in the beginning.”

The Hite Report on Male Sexuality by Shere Hite states that “most men said that, even with women friends or their wives and lovers, they feel some difficulty in talking deeply about their personal feelings — once again reflecting their early male training not to be too emotional.”

Further complicating communication between the sexes is the natural attraction that over 95% of the population has for the opposite sex.   Bernstein and Fast’s book, Sexual Chemistry, cites the nonverbal cues that men and women emit toward each other that demonstrate the sexual chemistry between them.  The book, More than Friends, Less than Lovers, argues that men and women can establish very gratifying relationships by becoming “intimate” without engaging in sexual relations.  This intimacy is a natural occurrence because today men and women work closely together.  But the guilt from illicit sex really messes up what otherwise could be a very good relationship.  In addition, 30 sexually-transmitted diseases make promiscuity a form of Russian Roulette. Desmond Morris, in his book, “Intimate Behavior,” gives a good explanation of the need for social intimacy.  Another book, Intimacy, discusses the need for intimacy.

Finally, while not explicitly contained in any books that I’ve read, but something that I found to be the most important factor in a successful relationship or marriage, is openness, honesty and forthrightness in dealing with each other.  I believe that one should not even tell white lies to a significant other when discussing important issues!  One can be diplomatic, subtle, and kind and not lie, while politely and respectfully giving your opinion.  You can’t work out your issues or problems together if you’re not truthful with each other about those issues and problems.  Many people use the excuse that they are simply being sensitive by telling a white lie, when in fact they may lack the courage to confront their significant other with what’s really bothering them.  I consider this to be a relationship/marriage-killer, no matter how noble the reasons for the deception.

CONCLUSION

There is an abundance of needless pain, suffering, frustration, and anxiety in relationships and marriages due to poor communications.  Marriage counselors can be very helpful but really good ones are rare and can be expensive.  Family and friends can be supportive but usually inadvertently give harmful advice because they can’t be objective and therefore make matters worse.  You can make your relationship/marriage better if you are motivated to do so and are willing to do your homework (read) on how to improve your communications and marriage; and then follow this up by setting some time aside every day to calmly talk through your marital issues/problems with your loved one.  I’ve just given you a taste of what’s out there by citing a number of books and authors.  Good luck in your search for a better relationship and/or marriage!

 

 

 

AVOID DIVORCE

In April of 1968 I married a very beautiful, “down-to-earth” woman with a delightful personality that I had fallen madly in love with.  In September of 1969, she divorced me.  In August 1978 I married a good-looking, fine woman whom I deeply cared about and who demonstratively needed my help.  In 2005 she divorced me.  Two marriages, two divorces.  What happened?  What can be learned from these tragedies that I can share with others to help them avoid the many mistakes I made?

I made numerous mistakes in my first marriage as well as making a disaster in responding to my breakup and divorce.  My first mistake was not being engaged much longer than five months before getting married.  A longer engagement was important for both of us to learn how to amicably resolve our differences…which renowned marriage researcher and author, John Gottman, PhD, says is the most important skill to have in order to have a happy marriage and avoid divorce.  Dr. Gottman also says that a couple should have at least five positive (supportive, friendly) interactions for every negative (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) in order to maintain a healthy relationship.  You can easily check the health of your relationship by applying these factors that Dr. Gottman’s research discovered.

Since my first wife usually lost her temper when we fought, I should have taken anything she said or did while in that  state with a grain of salt, but I did not.  In addition, we both made the mistake of informing family that we were having problems.  Family and friends are supportive and usually take your side, which although they make you feel good,  cannot be objective in analyzing and resolving marital problems, and therefore usually make things much worse. My family was especially protective of me because I had recent brain surgery, and they didn’t trust my wife since for all holidays, she arranged for us to celebrate with her family, contrary to an agreement we had.  Consequently, my family never got to really know and love the woman I loved, adored and married.  We should have gone to a marriage counselor to help us resolve our conflicts.

Finally, and most importantly, as very difficult as it was for me, I should have gone to my divorce-court hearing because I needed to be there in court to listen to my wife’s grievances and then tell my side as to what happened, and fight to keep her, perhaps through court-ordered marriage counseling. Though I loved my wife very much, I was not a good husband and foolishly did not tell her how much I loved her, which I should have frequently done.

Because we really loved each other, I firmly believe that were it not for my brain tumor, my wife and I would have worked out our problems and lived happily together and raised a family.  She wanted to be a good wife and eventually, a good mother, and the emotional irritation and paranoia that I experienced before and after my brain tumor was removed was temporary and eventually went away; and her running away, calling her parents to take her home and never even trying to resolve our differences I believe would have eventually disappeared. Our divorce boiled down to a huge misunderstanding: I thought back then that my wife threw me out, my wife thought that I left her, and my family thought I voluntarily left because my wife tried to stab me in fits of anger on two occasions… we never discussed the issue, so it was never clarified and resolved.

My second marriage was completely different, and I bent over backwards to make my second wife happy, including accepting a job in Denver and moving to the top of a mountain in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado so that she could have plenty of the quiet and solitude that she wanted and needed.  Knowing that I had been devastated by my first wife divorcing me, my fiancé insisted that we both attend five pre-marital counseling sessions with a marriage counselor before getting married, and soon after getting married I insisted that we attend 30 two and a half-hour “Communications-in-Marriage” couples counseling sessions with two marriage counselors and four other married couples.  This marriage lasted 27 years, followed by my now-x-wife traveling the U.S. for six years seeking a religious order. I financially assisted her in this effort.  Today we are good friends.

It was a bath that precipitated my first wife to give me an ultimatum  to either “not bathe then (she wanted us to immediately go food shopping) or get out,” and then follow it up after I bathed with forcing me to call a taxi and then pushing me out of our apartment (only  seven weeks after I had a large brain tumor removed; fifty years later I discovered that my mom had asked my wife to [temporarily] send me back to her).  Although I thought she told me to “get out,” I was paranoid so I might have had an auditory hallucination. Our conflict should have taken 15 minutes to resolve: apologies on both sides with explanations that we didn’t mean what we said (and perhaps making love after that).  However, it was never resolved.

A marriage is faced with many problems over a lifetime which need amicable resolutions.  The consequences of divorce on all parties are so painful that it should be used only as a last resort, after really trying together, face-to-face, to resolve the issues that brought you to the brink. We never seriously even tried because we hurt each other so badly and she was waiting for an apology from me, and I was waiting for her to invite me back since she threw me out. When I finally realized what needed to be done (grovel), my attempt was thwarted by my mother, who was especially protective of me because of my recent brain surgery, as well as my wife attempting to stab me in a fit of anger. My mom yelled at me for wimping out after she overheard my apologies and pleas to my wife on the phone to take me back because I was truly in agony without her.  Farewell to my marriage to a good wife (except for her very bad temper) that I dearly loved and adored (though I foolishly never told her), and hello to remorse and heartache for over 54 years (and still counting).

To reiterate, divorce is very painful for both spouses and their families so it should only be the very last resort after everything else has been tried and failed, including face-to-face discussions (not phone nor text).  The following is an example of what your discussions might sound like:

“I love you very much and want to make you happy.  I know you’re not happy with some of he things I say and do so please tell me what I can do or stop doing to make you happy.  You may need some time to think of everything so you may want to make a list during the next day, and I’ll do the same, and we can meet again tomorrow and discuss the items on our lists and clarify them so there is no misunderstanding by either of us.  After we’ve agreed, then we’ll both do our best to be a better husband and wife.”  We’ll keep a copy on the refrigerator door to serve as a reminder of what we will do to improve our marriage.  What do you think?”

If the aforementioned doesn’t work for you, marriage counselors are the people you confer with about marital problems and potential divorce; families and friends can’t be objective about you. Though they are probably well-intentioned, they usually makes matters worse.

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PS: For more information on avoiding divorce, read my article on this blog entitled, “Improving Communications in Relationships & Marriage.”  Also, because making love can help heal hurt feelings in a relationship, read the most informative article I’ve ever seen on the subject, my article on this blog entitled, “Older Men, Make Great Love Again,” which is relevant for all men, not only older men.  Finally, my article entitled, “Gut-check Before Getting Married,” might help in selecting a compatible mate.  My blog address is:  www.MikeRussoExpose.com (“Analyses of Domestic, National & International Issues”).